This post is part 5 of a series. Head over to the SxSW Interactive Tips page to read all of the posts in this series (new posts @ the bottom).
I was going to do today’s post as a parody of the Army’s Combined Warfar manual, but decided to instead play it straight.
Today’s post is all about the social side of southby. How to rawk parties, how to infiltrate groups and how to survive in a highly social situati. For the true introvert this can be about as comfortable as shanking yourself after getting an enema.
SxSW Social Norms
For the geek, introvert or simply those who aren’t used to large social situations, conferences can be challenging. Pressing the flesh, smiling, handing out business cards, getting into groups, these are new for many folk. So here is a brief explanation of the standard social atmosphere of SxSW. Ready?
Chillaxed
Here’s the thing, much like when you were a kid and you were scared of some small animal only to be taught it was more afraid of you than you were of it… Everyone at southby has been where you are now. Everyone empathizes. Everyone gets it.
So the social mood of southby is, quite simply open. People are there to meet folk. People are there to have fun. They are there to learn, to network, to get swag, to hang out, to bounce new ideas around and to just soak in the wonder that is the Temple of Geek. So if you too worship at said temple, you will surely be welcome!
To illustrate how truly strange this environment is, here are 8 things that probably aren’t normal but are normal at SxSW:
- Introducing yourself with just your first name
- Waiting until someone asks for your business card to give it to them (though it’s fine to just do it right up front, waiting gives you time to be witty about it)
- Having someone stop the conversation in order to send you an email, add you to twitter or tweet something you just said. Sad, but it’s become the norm to mix the online and offline words.
- Walk up to a group you don’t know and volunteer yourself to join them for lunch/party/bong
- Drag an unsuspecting n00b along to a party, lunch, drinks, etc
- Walk up to your favourite celebrity and ask questions, hangout, be cool
- Suddenly decide you’re going to throw a party and have 200 of your closest friends you never even met show up
- Ask a question and get a dozen fantastic answers
Unless you’re a total social butterfly and know everyone, chances are that being stuck in a room with 500 people pressed so close together you’re not entirely sure where your ass ends and someone else’s face begins isn’t your idea of a good time (and, erm, if it is… this is the wrong blog for you… I’d suggest going here).
So there are 5 key parts to rawking a party successfully:
- Jumping into a conversation
- Buying someone a drink
- Striking up a conversation with a girl
- Working a room
- Keeping a conversation going
Feel free to skip ahead. Some of this is incredibly basic, but hopefully of value to someone. As my scout leader used to say: if I come back with just one kid alive, I’ve done my job.
Tip from @kevrichard on talking to folk you admire
I would let them know to start I respect them because of X and would love to learn more about them.
Jumping into the conversation (ie: joining a group)
Let’s be honest, this is the hardest part. It’s like my grandma used to say: the hardest part of swimming is not sinking. Yeah, she was wise, grammy was. It really is the first that’s the hardest.
So here’s are the easiest steps:
- Find a physical spot: Groups tend to self-distribute (I found a mathematical formula for this, but even I’m not geeky enough to post it, heh), so the vast majority will automatically self-adjust once you stand about a foot beyond the group’s perimeter. Once it does, join the circle. Incidentally, this also works for dancing, but that’s for the advanced and really brave (read: drunk) geek.
- Make eye contact: Eye contact is your strongest weapon. It doesn’t require any words, doesn’t require you to do anything except look around the circle, when someone makes eye contact don’t look away and give a friendly nod. If you have to, practice this in front of a mirror until it looks natural.
- Dip your toe in: If you’re a funny person (and someone beside your mom has told you this), a quick quip will get you a laugh, and hence acceptance into the group. If you’re not, wait until you have something meaningful to say. If, after 3-4 minutes nothing comes up, ask a question. “Where are you guys from?” “Are y’all here together?” “Wow, did anyone else forget to bring deodorant?” are all acceptable questions to get things going.
Now this assumes that the party isn’t too loud, that the group is fairly static, etc. If not, your task is harder. As a result, practice this at the convention center before you go to a party. Once you’ve successfully gotten in 4-5 groups, you’ll be ready to try this on the big fish in a hostile environment!
In a louder environment, everything is harder. To get into the group, you need to wait until a lull in convo, figure out if the group is “cliquy”, and be ready. The easiest way is the following steps:
- Enter group with your hand leading
- Nod at everyone
- Say “Hey, how’s it going?”
- Offer to buy everyone a drink
- Start chatting
Yes, just like with cheerleaders, alcohol opens many doors.
Tip from @massnet on being a good conversation partner
Ask questions, smile, give genuine compliments
Buying someone a drink (starting a convo with a single person)
Okay, here’s the dirty little secret :want to talk to someone specific? Buy them a drink. There’s a social contract that they need to stick around to finish it. Note: this also means if someone buys you one, stick around to finish it.
By now I’m guessing you’ve grokked the steps?
- Walk up, stand roughly 2 feet away
- Say hi, and introduce yourself (if necessary, lean in to do this… if you’re not sure how, I’ve provided a picture to illustrate how this looks when the person is 3 feet shorter than you are)
- Say “I’m gonna grab a drink, y’want one?”
- Buy them a drink
- Come back, be charming, make intermittent eye contact, entertain them, don’t stare
Tip from Tess Rogers
Wear a name tag, offer to pour/serve food items if near buffet, wear a hat (trust me!), stand tall, make eye contact
Striking up a conversation with a girl
Alright, so if you’re a guy, sometimes talking to a girl can be hard. Especially if you’re a geek, unconfident, etc. I get that. Honest, I do. I was a total loser in high school, never felt confident, attractive, etc. I’ve found my confidence in the last year. I’m still an introvert, so I can still be pretty shy, but yeah. It’s not as bad. So practice makes better. So here’s your practice drill for the first party, if talking to girls is hard. You must successfully complete this drill 10 times in order to pass. Failure is not an option. Like yoda said, there is no try, there is only do. Or something. That line always sounded slightly off to me.
- Walk up, per the above
- Make eye contact
- Introduce yourself, per the above
- Do not stare at any part of her
- Buy her a drink, if necessary, per the above
- Do not look at her assets (or at least don’t get caught – stealth ogling is only for the truly advanced geeks)
- Ask her about work
- Do not ask her if she plays WoW
- Ask her if she’s at southby with anyone
- Do not ask her if she has a boyfriend/girlfriend
- Do ask about cats, compliment on accessories/shoes, ask where she’s from, ask if it’s her first time at southby (if it isn’t, tell her you’re a n00b… if it is, empathize)
- Do not ask if she’s as nervous as you are (unless you can pull that off… some guys can)
Beyond that? Talk louder, and treat conversation as a tennis match: everytime she says something you have to say something back that engenders a response! Saying “yes”, “no” or anything that can be responded to with a yes/no/simple answer will only kill the convo. And trust me, if this is at a party, running away is harder than it looks. And will end up on YouTube.
Some other quick tips on girls from Tess Rogers
- Don’t assume most will want wine/spritzers/girly drinks. Some will want beer. But, don’t be surprised by the above. Only if you have great wit attempt to mock or jest any girly drink (typically contains “tini” in the name, with a fruit sound at the front of it).
- Its okay if the conversation flags a bit to just say, “Gawd! I am such a geek,” it will be enduring and good for a laugh (hers). And if you have said any thing totally stupid in the last few minutes this expression is like a ‘get out of jail free card’. But only use it once per girl.
- Sometimes a good opening conversation line can contain the obvious, but it must be accompanied by a huge, cheeky grin with a tilt of the head. Saying something like, “You’re quite tall for a girl,” can be obviously geeky but so cheeky that you are sure to get some banter going right away. But bring on that huge cute smile!
- Be nice. Start out conversation with a compliment. “Love your sweater. It has a great style. Where did you get it? My sister’s birthday coming is coming up and I could check it out for her.” Instant nice guy!!! Then you are right into the let’s talk about family convo which is pretty easy. Start with asking if she has brothers or sisters.
- Geeks usually have A.D.D or some hyper-nervous jumpy disorder. Rather than getting drunk to calm nerves, get doing something that moves you about – displacing freaky girl offending vibes. Offer to walk with her to smoking area if you see her reaching for smokes; she has an empty glass – offer to get her a new drink or glass of water; she is lugging a coat – offer to put it in coat check.
- Be honest. Girls can smell guy bullshit from miles away. If you open your conversation about why you are at the event – if its for business say its for biz, or to hang out with friends, or get some wanker’s autograph – just be honest and don’t jazz it up she will smell a fake. The only thing I would avoid saying if true is that you came to get wasted – this you can lie about – no gal wants to hear that!
Tip from @SuzeMuse on geek guys talking to her
Though, if I was single and a boy walked up to me and said he was a blogger, I might let him sit down next to me.
Working a room
If you’re an introvert like me, the very idea of working a room of 500 people is terrifying. So here’s the deal. Every room is actually a bunch of small groups, with folk flowing in between. So socially, you really only need to master 3 skills: entering/exiting/participating in groups, going with the flow of people throughout the room to get/give booze/go to the can/hurl over the side of the building if you fucked up when talking to a girl and knowing when to arrive/leave.
When moving through the room, don’t move through groups, follow the existing flow of people (just step in, but not between a guy and his girlfriend, southby is friendly but not THAT friendly). As you move along, make eye contact, smile, nod. If a group/person notices you, step out of the flow of people and say hi. Otherwise find a group that looks small/big enough for you, and follow the tips above. Rinse, repeat.
Dont’ feel you need to “touch” every group. If you nail 10 ish groups, you’ve done well. If you actually have convos with 5 of those groups, even better.
Generic Introvert Tips
Here are some generic introvert tips. Trust me, they help!
- Wear your name badge (and make it legible)
- Have a buddy (I’ve mentioned this before, but it can’t be stressed enough)
- Talk to other folk who are alone (it’s slightly more intimidating cause you both have to contribute, but easier to get a convo going)
- Drink … alcohol loosens you up, but not too much… slurring (contrary to what you’ll think at the time) is not sexy
- Buy people drinks … it helps loosen them up
- Take breaks (you’ll get tired, stand by the rail and listen to music)
- Ask ROAD questions: Relationship, occupation, activites, drive (what makes them happy)
- Have a 5 second answer/leadin to describe yourself (professionally and personally, so you’re ready for either situation)
- Paraphrase what the person said
- Ask questions when someone’s telling a story or talking
- Practice active listening
Drinking Without Getting Drunk (and other core southby drinking skills)
Okay, so while you don’t have to drink at southby (and I have many friends who don’t and still enjoy it), it is a social norm so if you’re comfortable with it … do it.
However, if you’re not used to the pace, have a low tolerance or are a girl you’ll quickly find yourself drunk, hung over or worse.
First and foremost, just because you’re drinking, doesn’t mean you need to get drunk. Even if people are buying you drinks, you don’t need to get drunk! The biggest rule is order smart drinks. This is drinks that will either cause you to drink it slowly or have a low alcohol content.
Also, huge tip. Critical tip:
Do not, under ANY circumstance, drink Lone Star beer
… it’s a southby tradition, especially at Mix at Six, to make newbies try this as a “staple” … Now I’m Canadian so I hate american beer in general and often complain that it tastes like watered down goat piss … problem is, Lone Star DOES!
Drinks you can drink slowly include anything with serious bubblies, or that taste slightly tart. Tonic is great for this. Like vodka? Vodka/tonic is perfect for drinking slowly. If you’ve got a drink that is tasty and harder to drink slowly (a la rumb/coke), use the mini straw. It’s hard to guzzle through a straw that’s smaller than your urinary tract.
Drinks with low alcohol content? American beer. There, I said it. Order a coors, a bud, a molson (Canadian, but it’s really for americans). And order it light. It’s Texas, so nobody will mock you (except me).
Then, once you are drinking, stay hydrated. Between every 1-2 drinks, down a cup of water. It’ll keep you hydrated, which’ll stop you from getting hammered. Another sneaky tip is to hydrate while drinking. Tonic and lime looks like an alcoholic drink (especially if you get the little straw) so is perfect for a “recovery round” or for those who don’t drink.
If you do get drunk, avoid a hangover. When you get back to your hotel, take an advil/tylenol and drink SIX of the little hotel glasses of water. It’ll be hard and might make you want to hurl (generally a good thing at night, to avoid hangover). If you do hurl? Restart with 6 more glasses.
Quick Tips on SxSW
Before I sign off for the day, here are some quick tips for SxSW provided by some other fab folk!
heh.
A small shelter which is insulated from the bottom, protected from wind, urinal discs and snow and contains a fire is extremely important in social survival. Before building your shelter be sure that the surrounding area provides the materials needed to build a good fire, a good source alcohol and shelter from the wind (others’ wind… yours will provide natural heat).
For the past few years, Eric has been guiding corporate communications and public relations for a publicly traded company. Eric has guided successful product launches, secured numerous speaking opportunities and created a blogging strategy that was named as one of Inside CRM’s top 25 corporate blogs.
Aaron is the founder and lead editor of Technosailor.com. He is a business and social media consultant and loves to see people reach their potential through the use of social media. There is an overlap between useful social media and personal and corporate outreach and brand. His writing seeks to highlight those areas where the two overlap and eliminate the noise that is present in covering the news and buzz surrounding web startups and social media.