… In last night’s election, I’ve decided that I’ll volunteer to step in and fill the Presidential void. After all, there’s no reason that the country, politics or babies should suffer for lack of having a President over this period of time. Therefore, until the American people can agree on a qualified individual, I’ll just have to do.

Now that I’m President there are some obvious things I need to take care of like Iraq, the economy and, again, babies. The problem, though, is that it’s always hard to come to a decision when partisanship is involved. And, since recent studies have shown that partisanship is most prevalent among the tight-assed, I really have to deal with the state of the politicians relative assed’ness first.

So, effective immediately, Friday will not only be casual day (I understand this isn’t currently being observed in Washington for a variety of ass-related reasons), it will also be No Pants Day.

The way I figure it, a tight ass is likely caused by not getting enough air. I mean, think about it. If you walk around all day in a suit, your ass isn’t getting any of nature’s sweet, sweet luvin’. And it needs it, it really does. It’s why you were born naked, with your ass coming out last. It needs some sweet luvin’.

Since politicians obviously aren’t giving their buttocks what they need, I’m instituting this policy.

Now, with more cared for posteriors, politicians are more likely to want to deal with the real issues, at least until a qualified candidate arrives when things will likely go back to normal. So, since we have such a short time frame to work with (hopefully), I’m going to have to make some very quick and, probably, shocking decisions.

First, we’re going to get all the insurrectionists, terrorists and malcontents (oh, and actors of course) in Iraq and Afghanistan addicted to cigarettes. Everyone knows that cigarettes calm your nerves, and everyone knows that smokers will do just about anything, within reason, and I really believe giving up your freedom is within reason, to get a cigarette.

Basically, the Bush Administration had it close to right when they were dropping pamphlets and pictures of our women. They just didn’t get far enough into the people’s heads. Cigarettes will go where lingerie dare not tread.

Once the insurrectionists and related sots are dealt with, it should be easier to come to an agreement. After all, they’ll all share the wealth and pretty soon we’ll have a ciggie-craving society. And we all know that addiction is the basis for capitalism, which is the foundation of any compliant and responsible society.

The great thing is that this scenario in Iraq is great for the American economy, so we are able to kill at least 3 birds with one stone (the other one being the tobacco lobby, I’d love to see them deal with the Arabs… it’d make for a great cable TV movie, in my opinion).

So, with the situation in Iraq solved, and the economy saved (because we all know how much the tobacco industry contributes to our economy), I’d feel confident in turning the American people over to a qualified candidate.

Anyone want to volunteer?

ps: I realise that technically I can’t become President because I’m not an American. However, I wouldn’t be looking at being President. I’d be the Interim President. It’s very, very different.