In a stroke of pure genius, I have decided to recreate the Internet. No, really. The current one is obviously broken. Between spam, hackers and farm sex there is obviously something wrong.

As any good smart person knows, there are 3 distinct steps that have to be completed. 4 if you count writing them down. 5 if you count bathroom breaks (unless this takes a while, in which case I may need 2 bathroom breaks).

Anwyays, for now let’s just say 3. It’s a nice even number.

3 Distinct Steps List

1. Brainstorm
2. Prioritize
3. Decide what to actually tackle

Okay, so, what’s wrong with the current Internet?

- spam
- hackers
- farm sex
- slow speeds
- Max OS X

These 5 items obviously need dealt with, so I, being the young genius that I am, and the inventor of Internet 2 (name to be decide in a few minutes, if I get too sidetracked I’ll lose my train of… Damn).

Prioritize

This one’s easy. Of the 5 items above, which 3 do I want to fix? Spam, hackers and slow speeds. But, it’s unfair of me to only fix the things I want to see fixed. So, I will also fix something that has needed fixed for a long time. Therefore, here are my 4 items, in order of priority that I will tackle in this next version of the “Internet 2″.

1. Slow speeds
This one is critical. Speed needs to be improved, and now. And none of this subjective speed crap, I need to figure out a way to let everyone have hugely fast speeds all the time! Who cares if there are 10,000 people in your neighbourhood? You pay, you get fast speeds. Simple really. Even if you’re on Linux.

2. Spam
I’ve had to put this above hackers, mainly because unsolicited and unverified email is one of the prime causes of hackers. Just as installing effective anti-spam in the workplace will drastically reduce viruses, so too here. Reducing spam means safer computers for all.

3. Hackers
I’ll also throw viruses in here for now. Only Internet-viruses as I obviously don’t have the abilities to completely fix the problems with computers as well. I’m just one man!

4. Mac OS X
In fact, it’s Apple in general that’s the problem. Not only are they “innovative”, they also have really cool stuff. I have to put a stop to this because they keep making me look bad. I mean, this morning I went to work in my nice gray suit, and someone had a silver iPod on. It clashed. This needs solved.

Draw the Line

Sadly, this means I won’t be able to tackle the farm sex thing. This is a major issue for me, but as the new Benevolent Dictator of the “Internet 2″ I have to make some sacrifices in this version.

So, I’ve brainstormed, prioritized and figured out what I’ll do. All that’s left now is to fix it. Before I do that, though, I need to figure out what to call this. Obviously Internet 2 is a bad name, as is JWeb (far too simple, and doesn’t work well in languages without the letter “J”).

No, in honour of Gretchen and Zoe I am dubbing this MoolNet! Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Rolls off the tongue nice and smooooooth. Like silk rolling off your tongue. Or something.

So, now that we’ve decided how MoolNet will work, I just have to fix the issues. So, here are the issues and their associated problems. I hereby issue these decrees for MoolNet!

The Speed Decree

All users shall have internet access of at least 2Gb/second. With the exception of Steve Jobs who shall have 1Gb/second speeds, and I’m only being nice because he dresses so snazzy and used to clean my shoes.

The Spam Decree

There shall be no more spam.

The Hacking Decree

There shall be no more hacking! For brevity I have left viruses out of the title, but they count too.

The Max OS X Decree

There shall be more no Mac OS X.

Now then. As long as everyone listens to the rules we should be fine. Understood?